This past week more than a few friends have reached out to me to ask how I feel about this new show on the CW called “Life Unexpected” and the last time this happened was when “Juno” came out. It is strange how I am the poster child in my circle for getting a measurement of whether or not movies or television shows are realistic in their portrayal of young girls placing babies for adoption. My assessment of “Juno” was that, while I enjoyed the tone of the movie, I was a little surprised by her witty, rapid-fire quips enough to be wary of a teenager using the language Juno uses. It just felt a bit too affected for me. My days are spent with teenagers. Over a thousand of them. Many of them have a sharp tongue, but none in that manner nor are they as cynical. Lots of them are very grown up and have bigger decisions on their plates than they deserve, but they don’t deal with it as caustically or as flippantly as Juno did.

That’s neither here nor there. I’m not a movie critic by any stretch of the imagination.

All I have are my own experiences and no one could possibly guide me through them no matter how badly I wanted them to when Maddie came back into my life. Who can tell me how to think through this? Can anyone please let me know what my next steps will be? Could someone please explain my feelings to me?

My friends helped, but they were as lost as I was on these important matters. It was best if they just threw up their hands and said, “I dunno, Kelly. Do your best.” and then hugged me. It was just about all I was allowing myself to take from them.

“Life Unexpected” is glossy and I don’t for one minute get how two brown eyed parents had a blue eyed child. But I had two red-haired children, so who am I to talk about the probability of an offspring’s genotype? Hell, I can’t even fill out a Punnett square correctly anymore. It’s also because Lux (the daughter of the two ridiculously attractive parents) has ridiculously perfect skin and NO TEENAGER HAS PERFECT SKIN. I’ve seen them up close. You can’t fool me. Her character is super cute and her hair is super cute and her clothes, as poor as she’s supposed to be, are super cute. But she’s a 19-year old actress trying to capture what a 15-year old girl might feel when happening upon her real parents in an effort to be an emancipated minor. It’s not that that’s not a remarkable event, but her reaction doesn’t seem very believable. (If you want to see Britt Robertson in a remarkable movie, then check her out in “Dan In Real Life” instead.)

It’s also not very believable that she would meet these beautiful, fun, successful parents and not want to be with them right away. Wouldn’t that fantasy come first in her mind? Or does she just not want to believe it? Either way, when she fights it I can’t find a way to suspend my disbelief even though I’m not supposed to do that with a drama. There’s an English Lit. degree on my wall to prove that I should know better.

Even though I’ve come to expect the unexpected (or rather, not expect anything at all) it just isn’t always so shiny and pretty. Just when I think that I have my emotions under control I will lose it. Just when I get used to having a long distance relationship with Maddie I find myself missing her or the Might Have Beens. Just when I start talking about my kids I find that there are details that I have to leave out about her and only tell about the other three that I have raised simply because I don’t know all the particulars.

I guess I’m saying that it’s not like that. There’s a twinge here and there of doing it wrong, of explaining to someone else why I have changed the number of daughters I claim, and of still missing out on her life. She’s ready to graduate college and go off with her fabulous life with ridiculously perfect skin and her amazing boyfriend (or so I hear, but Facebook is just NOT to be trusted with all those incidentals).

There are new situations and everything is, as to be expected, changing.  With those changes come new feelings. How the hell will I even begin to start navigating these new waters?

Remarkably. That’s how. This journey with my children is nothing if not remarkable no matter how badly I think I’m screwing it up.

It occurred to me many years ago that my calling in life would be to offer advice. People seem to ask me or it quite often when they’re not asking me for spare change. Sometimes the advice or opinion people are looking for is easy enough to find. “No, those pants actually DO make you look chunky.” or  “You and onions do not get along. Rather, you and onions and speaking directly to my face do not get along.” See? I’m a natural! To wit, a friend of mine posed a question to me on Facebook which I answered thusly:

Breathalizers in school, for or against? Just wondering what an educators perspective is. If yes, how should it be handled? Interested in your opinion…

Against.

Here’s why: not every problem in society is for schools to fix. Every agency that’s now within schools is there in order to work on things that our communities have and schools have enough on their plates. 

So, if they installed them what would we do with the kids who tested positive? Do we inflict some sort of punishment? Are kids kicked out for that (suspended? expelled?) and then how we ensure that students get that work made up in order to earn grades and then credits? 

That’s just a sampling of my answer to her. As far as education goes, I’m never without opinions.

The fact that I’ve written about reuniting with my daughter has netted me lots of comments and e-mails and responses. Two weeks ago I got this comment on an older post of mine that actually threw me for a loop:

Not sure you are still maintaining this blog…but was looking for this topic…I am trying to reconnect with my son who I gave up for adoption at birth but his father obtained custody after, when he was 15mos. old. I was notified by mail and living in another state by that time. His father and I’s relationship was totally deteriorated and after about a year and half, I no longer knew where they were living. Dad got married and his wife has always been “mom” to my son. Three yrs ago, I recieved paperwork from the courts and talked to “mom” about communicating. She agreed I could send letters addressed to her and she would read them with him & discuss. He was 13 at that time. I began writing every month and after four months, she wrote me an email to say I was totally out of line and it was way too much for him to handle emotionally. I needed to back off and give him time to let it sink in. I found out this year that was a lie and she never gave him any of the letters. Now my son lives alone with his father. Mom left the household about three years ago and lives in another state. Dad now needs financial help so he filed for child support this year. I now pay support and have began trying to communicate with my son through text messaging since late August. He has admitted he is not excited about talking to me and barely responds to my messages, other times he does not respond at all. It is crushing me as I am not sure exactly what he is being told or how he really feels. Which he may not share anyway, since he is a 16 year old boy. I have decided to go to try meet him next month and attend a few of his soccer games. Even if he will not talk to me, I will go and watch him play and try to let him know I do want to be here for him now. I can’t make up for all the lost time, but I need some ideas on how to reach out, connect, show him that I truly care and love him. I sent him a letter recently, telling him all of these things and how sorry I am, and his response to my letter was, “it was what I expected.” Now it may be that mom is advising him against me or it may be that he is very angry with me…but any thoughts or advice would be most appreciated..!!

Initially, I responded to her via e-mail and asked that she give me some time to respond. I don’t feel qualified to do so and that’s not usual for me. Readers. Dear, sweet readers. I cannot come up with any advice. Do you have any to offer? Please be kind in your responses. She’s obviously hurting and wants some guidance.

That day I’ll always remember. That was the day I gave birth to my second daughter. The one who would be adopted by another family and find me many years later to reconnect. It hasn’t been like some overwrought, overacted Hallmark movie, either. In fact, it’s been painless and joyful throughout. We are very lucky to have had such a transition and I’m amazed at the ease of how our family grew. As much crap had been handed to me during 2008 I was infinitely grateful for this blessing, this gift, this undeserved grace. My thoughts, naturally, turned to this blog and how much to share. At first, I did so willingly and then it became overwhelming to write through the experience and I pulled way back to give it the attention and respect it deserved. Then, I kept getting e-mails and messages and notes that this was a good thing and that people were happy for us and, yes, some admitted to just being curious about how this was all working itself out in our lives.

So, while I happily share some private pictures and thoughts, I know that I won’t always want to put it all out there. But it’s become something I’m comfortable discussing and now when I meet someone new and they ask how many children I have my mouth and heart gladly say, “Four.” It’s been a painful question to hear up until now and normally it was my mouth saying, “Three” while my heart murmured, “Four”. 

Photo of me and the kids when Maddie visited for the first time. 

Today is Maddie’s birthday (and yesterday was my sister’s – Happy Birthday, Trayday!) and for the second time ever she will be here with me to celebrate it with my other three children. It’s gonna be pretty damn amazing and there’s no need to wax poetic about how incredible tonight will be. 

Photo taken last October when all four of the kids (and the dog) jumped in my bed. A most awesome moment.

Happy 22nd Birthday, Maddie. I promised to give you whatever it was you needed, but you gave me more than I ever expected.

********************************************

The Acer Laptop Winner, not to be outdone by this sorta sappy entirely sentimental post, will be announced on Friday! Check back then!

Well, look at that. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve updated the questions and written a second part to this series. It seems that many of you are either “fascinated” or “intrigued”. Oh, those aren’t my words, I have just read about what people are saying elsewhere. There will have to be a third part to this series because I haven’t answered them all yet. But you’re still here reading even after my inane profession of love for Ira Glass, a couple of contests, and an experimentation with absinthe. Oh, maybe that last one didn’t happen. Yet.

Wifey

That said, do you feel guilty for giving her up? I am sure it was the right decision based on your situation, just like Mom’s, but did the guilt come back when she did? Also, if you do feel a little guilt, how are you dealing with it? Have you set up boundaries between the 2 of you? If so, how? How are your other children dealing? Have they set up boundaries with her? If so, how? I would assume that the “new” daughter has a bit of jealousy brewing…how are you and your other children dealing with it?

Ok, so I just told you what I didn’t want to hear, but Wifey brings up that question that is so prevalent in conversations so I will answer her, but she also has a different set of circumstances. (Plus, she’s a Heather so I’ll let it slide this time.) If there is an emotion that feels like guilt when you get pregnant and place a child for adoption I can only say that is a fabricated one. Why would I feel guilty after deciding to give a child life? Honestly, the dramatics involved in those ridiculous LifetimeTV movies and the like are there to tell you that everything you do is wrong. It’s why I don’t buy beauty magazines – they serve to make me feel bad about myself. Certainly none of it was planned and I did the best I could at an adverse time.

The only boundaries we’ve set up came out of the first time we ever spoke on the phone. I promised to have integrity in all she asked and that I was willing to reach back out to her and give her all I possibly could. Simple? Yes, but does this need to be more complicated than it already is? As much as I would, in any normal circumstances, want to step in where my children are concerned and set up boundaries I have chosen to let them set those up for themselves. The four of them are able enough to work things out, call each other on the phone, write to each other, etc… Struggling to find a position of power in that instance is an exercise in frustration and disappointment that has no room in my life right now.

What is like to be such a warm, caring and authentic person?

That’s an interesting turn of phrase. There are no fantasies about what I want her to be to me except another child. The way I took that question made me wonder if, for instance, I hope to be at her wedding someday or be invited into parts of her life. Certainly, I hope to be invited, but there’s a fine line there because she has a mother already and I couldn’t possibly expect to have that place of honor in her life. We both acknowledge that our relationship is mother-daughter, yet I know it’s more thorny than that. If Maddie is talking about me to her friends she uses the word “mom” and this forces them to ask, “Which one?” but she doesn’t appear to be faltering with that. Our family just is right now; in existence, in action, in theory, and most importantly, in loving openness.

To answer the second part of your question, it’s exhausting being this warm and caring! Well, I would say I’m kidding but I know that’s not too far off the mark and this much I know to be true: authenticity is imperfect and most of the time I feel quite inadequate. Nothing else seems to work in life unless you care for your fellow human.

JessicaAPISS

Have you received this reaction of gratitude and admiration from your family and friends? Have you allowed yourself to feel strong and proud for making such an awesomely loving decision?

I don’t suppose I usually view the reaction from people as grateful or admiring. Sometimes all anyone can say to me is, “That’s incredible. I don’t know what to say.” The shade it takes on is more of care and a constant taking of my temperature. “What are you feeling today, Kelly?” Everyone has, unwittingly, become my therapist and forces me to reflect. In that way I think your second question is answered: when they force me to meditate on this I am amazed I was ever a selfless person, though it probably looked more like “terrified” in a forcible manner.

Fiona

What would be helpful to you? What words would provide a smile / assistance / etc.

I would be greatly helped to know other women in my position, but if it didn’t greatly resemble my own situation it’s safe to say that I would back away from a new relationship right now. There’s too much fear in trying to re-create someone else’s life. When my mom and sisters and family speak words of care to me that is sometimes assistance enough. But to get me to smile, I want words that sound natural and not forced when people talk to me about Maddie and not act as if she’s a secret that requires whispering to discuss.

V’s Herbie

Do you have a relationship with Maddie’s adoptive parents? Do you want one?

No, I don’t. That answers both questions.

Mommymae

How are you and what, if anything, do you need, lovely?

Today I’m pensive and moody and in need of chocolate. Tomorrow I will want a really good song to bring me out of it. The next day I will need to work up a sweat while jogging. But every day I need words of encouragement. Those never seem to fail. I wouldn’t turn down a weekend at a spa, though.

Beth

What kind of wine will you be having with your cheese?

The Beringer Private Reserve 2003 Cabernet Sauvignon. That’s my big girl wine.

Merrily didn’t so much as a question as give me the offer to use her as a reference. What I learned, when visiting her site and bloghopping to others, is the word “First-Mother”. Meh. I don’t need any more labels on me so I’ll just let that lie right where it is, like a piece of gum in the gutter.

BotchedExperiment

Did you consider having an abortion?

I would be lying if that didn’t cross my mind, but it just didn’t appear to be an option for me. I’m not trying to be too careful when I say that, either. To be truthful, I didn’t know how I felt about abortion at the time. If one doesn’t have an opinion on such things, why would one choose it? Since I couldn’t answer that question at the time, I couldn’t make that choice. It’s not noble nor was it a brave choice. Unless you consider my stupidity brave.

If I were a better blogger I would link everyone who is mentioned below. But I’m going to go with the fact that good karma is on my side right now and know, nay believe, that they will all magically come back to see their questions answered. (Good karma DID come to me yesterday when I mentioned to someone on their blog how talented they were at knitting a pair of fingerless gloves and then she just up and offered them to me! I hope good karma comes back to her and she gets a sparkly pink tiara. I’m pretty sure she wants one of those.) As much as I wanted to answer them all in one fell swoop, it was a daunting task so I will break this up into a few posts.

Miss Britt
Are your kids upset that you hadn’t told them about this before now?

And…

are you OK?

Based on their ages and maturity level some of them already knew and the youngest doesn’t appear to be upset that I had never told him. Mostly, there is regret that we never talked about it at length and that I’d kept silent about it’s affect on me.

In many ways, I’m not ok yet. I’m not ok with the strange phases that seem to come when I’m not ready. Most days it’s one minute at a time because taking an entire day prevents me from an even balance.

Dawn
what did it mean to you to have the adoption option? What was the most important factor in your decision to place her for adoption? What do you have to say to other adoptive children about finding/searching for their birthmother/parents?

How are you coping?

At the time it appeared to be the only option available because I refused to tell anyone that I was pregnant until the 6 month mark. That seemed to solidify it for me as far as a choice goes. What I was like at 16 and what I’m like now are light years away and I could only hope that searching for a birthparent allows for that growth, but I know it doesn’t always turn out that way. Adoptive children who are adults should really do whatever is required within their own souls to find peace. Not all of them will want to and that was an option I had to consider Maddie could have chosen.

Coping? I wouldn’t say this was always a conscious choice, but my friends seem to know what I need when I need it. A road trip, a phone call, a coffee date, a funny movie, and a lot of classical music seem to be getting me through. When I stop long enough to listen my coping mechanisms are Move Slowly, Think Clearly, Be Kind, and Choose Joy. Great book title, no?

Raquita
Has your adopted daughter voiced any feeling of resentment that she wasn’t “chosen” by you? Although for all intents and purposes she was chosen by you – I’m not so sure my question is coming out right..

Yeah, I’m pretty sure Maddie answered that in her comment from the previous post, and I wish I could express my gratitude to her for saying it for the world to see. Here it is in it’s entirety:

My birth mother, Kelly, placed me for adoption when I was born. I am the second oldest of her four children and was the only one given up. This causes much confusion for people when I tell them this story. “Why are you the only one she gave up?” and “Aren’t you upset that she didn’t keep you?”
Truth be told, it’s a bit annoying when people ask me this. Kelly did want to keep me. She loved me then as much as she loves me now. I know this, not just in my heart, but from her as well. She was sixteen years old when I was born, a sixteen year old mother to a one year old child. She could not possibly have handled the task of graduating high school and raising two small children. I’m twenty-one years old right now and can’t for the life of me keep my houseplants alive; Lord only knows what I would do with a baby.
Kelly did what was best for everyone. I should probably thank her every day for giving me the life I have now. I don’t thank her often enough.
I never blamed her for giving me up. I never questioned her. I never had to and I never will.

Thank you

I love you,

Maddie

Sandy
Do you have any unresolved guilt or anxiety about having placed your daughter up for adoption? Does she look at your wonderful family (and I assume they are wonderful just based on the stuff you write in your blog) and feel cheated?

There is no unresolved guilt, though I know some people keep suggesting to me that I have some. The anxiety is in the unknown and she shares more with me about how she grew up each time we speak. In the best possible way she said, “If I’d grown up in this family I would be exponentially weirder than I am now.” If I had to guess what she likes most is our ability to laugh and have fun. Whether she feels cheated or not is a question for her. Her wonderfulness fits in well with the wonderfulness of her siblings and that makes me feel wonderful.

Avitable
I think I already asked about a threesome before, and you never answered me then.

I think part of my own wonderfulness lies in keeping people like you around whom I can roll my eyes at and have a good laugh. I’ll bet you get that a lot, Avitable, you freak of nature you.

Veep Veep
How has your daughter responded to you being back in her life? Sounds like she’s happy. Are your other children taking time to get to know her?

She “responds” by being herself, sharing herself, and having lots of communication with all of us including my sisters and their children, my parents, and I finally have something nice to say about Facebook.

Betsy
How is Maddie doing? Keeping Mallory, giving her up….I would think that would be a lot to deal with. I know Mallory was super young, but were there any photos of you pregnant the second time that you had to explain away? Did your husband know?

Maddie is pretty darn amazing and sweet natured. Her curiosity is refreshing and we find that we’re telling stories over and over. They become her stories and she gets to share them as her own. There were photos up to a certain point, but not when I was Super Extra Large pregnant. Some of them I have to point out when I show Maddie. “See right there? I was cooking you then.” and “You came to one of my proms with me. See that bump? That was you.” After Maddie was born her birth father and I stayed together for a few more years and I vowed that whatever guy I was going to meet would have to know right away so I wouldn’t have to explain exactly what’s going on right now as a, “Oh, by the way…” Keeping that from my partner was never an option I afforded myself.

Sally T

Where do you want to be in 5 years with your relationships with your kids? (yeah, I know, if you knew that answer, you wouldn’t be pulling out your lovely hair.) How are you coping & if you had an extra hour in the day, how would you spend it? If you were watching somebody go through what you’re going through, what would you say to her? What do you want to hear from the people who love you, & the people (like most of us) who just kinda know you but believe in you? What DON’T you wanta hear?

I think it’s safe to say that I just want to be in loving, healthy relationships with them 5 years from now. Sadly, any extra hours I get in a day are spent sleeping, but that’s part of my own Healthy Plan. Sleep is like sweet sweet music to me and I value it. If I ever met another person going through this I would first have to get over the shock of it which is to say that I feel, most days, like I’m the Only Person In The World dealing with this. That’s my own teenage angst coming back to haunt me.

What I Want To Hear: You’re doing great; That’s very wise of you; How can you learn from this?; You already know the right answers; Everything will work out and you are blessed to have grown your family; You are growing a lot from this experience; Hi, I’m a producer from a (insert big, reputable news media) and we’d like to feature you on a story of adoption reunions; Tell me what you’re learning from all this; You have a lot of love to give.

What I Don’t Want To Hear: You’re doing something very wrong here; Don’t you feel guilty?