My younger sister, Tracy, once jokingly told our mother that when whites and blacks get together to make babies they should sign an agreement that they would pay for the hair care for those children for the remainder of their lives.

I’m going to have to agree to that.

I didn’t learn how to do much with my hair until I was in my 20s and my best friend from college, Tammy, helped me moisturize it and straighten it and keep it from looking like a Chia pet on crack. I owe her my life but she’ll just want to use my uterus to grow her a baby someday since she’s probably not going to be able to carry it herself.

She was smarter than my sisters and I and has that agreement written in blood already.

Since I said I would post about my hair, oh, something like 7 months ago I figured I would do that today. It’s a time sensitive process that requires a good brush and these 5 products.

The products have an order in which they must be applied and brushing the still-wet hair must take place after every new application. If it becomes dry too quickly I have to start over and run my hair under the kitchen faucet. It’s very exciting. See how much I love doing that?

First, I spray it with Schwarzkopf’s Bonacure Moisture Kick and that is crucial because it keeps it from becoming too dry. It seems like the other products stick better when I use it.

Next, I put in Arosci’s Super Scrunching Creme that is purple and smells very good. You will want to put it on a salad but resist! Don’t do it!

By this time I have to add more moisture because I put on the product and brush it through and it’s becoming more dry but I have all this working with my fingers to create some curls. To keep it moist while doing this, I spray Motions Leave-In Conditioner.

Then it’s time to put some shine into it so I use Farouk Systems Biosilk and work it through. Tip: whatever is leftover on your hands makes a great skin moisturizer so rub it on your elbows.

To help the resistant hair I take a few pieces and twirl them around my finger so that they set in a curl.

Most of the time I forget to spray the ends of them and they might look dryer on the ends.

Now it’s time to work in some more moisture so I add another few sprays of the conditioner and then it’s time to scrunch. Aussie Scrunch Spray is probably the cheapest product I use. Just for fun I added up the 5 products and this daily task costs nearly $54. Mom and Dad? COUGH IT UP, FOLKS.

It shrinks up as it dries and to get the full effect I took one picture where it’s still pretty wet.

This next one is after about 2 hours. By this time I’m getting a little weary of the curls falling in my face so I use a barrette to hold it back, thus exposing my fivehead.

You’re riveted, I know this. Especially the men who read this site. Oh, shut up, guys. This will help you appreciate the time your woman spends in the bathroom. Women already fathom this.

There you have it! After this I usually have to empty out my brush and could probably make a baby wig with what I have brushed out. Why I am not currently bald with all this loss of hair is a mystery.

One more thing: with all the spraying of products and brushing of wet hair I have to use a bathmat or else I will slip and slide in the bathroom after this ritual.

Can you please leave comments telling my parents to write me a check?

Since I had to attend an Administrator Academy within this fiscal year to meet the requirements for remaining an administrator I won’t let it go by without note. Aren’t you lucky? It’s like you took the class with me today except you didn’t have to pay for it nor do you get the “lunch provided”. But make some bbq pulled pork sandwiches and some coleslaw and it’s like you’re there! (Put some sweet sauce and some spicy sauce on your sandwich like I did but don’t go for the cookie. The cookie will look good to you at first and then it will disappoint you. Honestly, I look out for you people.)

We had to compile a list of what our Dream School Culture would look like. This is what I came up with:

Leave the building better than when you left it.

Engage all families by contacting them and having an ongoing relationship with them.

Connect with everyone. Every day.

Greet every student everyday. BY NAME. (“Hello, Kristen.” and “Good morning, Anthony.”) ((Best Buy does this. So does Wal-Mart and our local Family Video. It makes me feel welcome! Shouldn’t we all feel welcome in school?))

Believe that the building exists for more than the sole purpose of disciplining students.

Do early interventions and preventative programs tailored to students.

Focus on teaching and learning and if the conversation doesn’t call for anything else as an educator, don’t bother bringing it to the table.

Believe that every child can learn.

Never except excuses; not from students, teachers, parents, or community members.

Require teachers to attend faculty meetings they miss the night before because they coincidentally ALWAYS have doctor appointments on those meeting days. (I hate when someone asks “What did I miss at the meeting?” and people reply “Oh, nothing.” Why would I bother making an agenda and going through it if it were NOTHING?)

Speak to the staff at a State of The Campus address each Fall. It is no secret we’re not doing the best we possibly could be doing so put it out there and challenge everyone to do their best for the kids’ sake.

Ignore AYP and No Child Left Behind. Success isn’t contingent upon the 62.5% you were required to meet this year. Did ANYTHING good happen this school year? Celebrate it. No matter how small.

Control the media when school stories must be told. Fax it to them at 4pm when they can’t “fact check” it. They’ll think they have the scoop and you’ll have told the story YOU want to tell.

Be professional in every manner: dress, speech, expectations.

Create Student Advisory Committees - those kids have some damn good ideas. Listen to them.

Teachers who threaten to quit should be allowed to do so on the spot. Empty threats mean nothing and usually they’re the negative teachers who are harming children so let them go.

Create a family-centered workplace that values our time and efforts for those we teach and those we are raising in our own homes.

Today I smell extra good. My butt looks good in this summer skirt. My hair is curling properly and not puffing up to planetary proportions. My zits have all cleared up. I’m not bloated. My teeth are super shiny and clean.

That must be why three advertisers contacted me today.

What else could be the reason?

Today I’m choosing not to care which is the reason. Because all of the above statements about myself are false save one.

The hair is doing something it’s actually supposed to do for once. I haven’t been able to afford going to get my hair done so we’re going ethnic, au natural, swirly curly. So if you have products you want me to hawk, it’s probably because my hair is so kick ass today. Good hair sells.

My blog is wearing a new dress. I got to choose between an A-line, an empire waist and a sari.  I’m going for comfort, though, because I’m past 30 and I don’t have to put up with that crap anymore.

It’s all cleaned up on the side and I have a new way to display photos which I’ll work on figuring out soon.

I know the comments are too light (Thanks Betsy!) , so Karen will probably be fixing that soon.

This flu is slowly killing me with the aches and clamminess. I continue to change blankets and sheets because my icky sick sweat is all over them and I’m pretty sure a nice family of badgers has taken up residence in my hair because looks like a hot mess. They’re leaving crumbs everywhere, though, and I might have to give them an eviction notice. Since I have enough hair for ten people you can only imagine how attractive that looks.

Just look at the pretty new format. It looks much better than my current condition.

Just in time for Thanksgiving.

Happy Assimilated Culture Turkey Day!